God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
