mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
