Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
