I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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