I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
you win again, gameday.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
