Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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