wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
