Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
