wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
