the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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