I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
