I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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