Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
