I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
