It's like a parade of train wrecks.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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