i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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