I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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