Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i out mim tonsoeep
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
