i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize