Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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