he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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