Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
