My room smells like vodka and shame
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
