Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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