The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You made out with two different species that night
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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