took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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