Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
