If that was your dad, he is hot
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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