If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she smelled like a LAN party
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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