Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Can vaginas get frostbite?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
