Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
