Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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