Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
