I cannot find my penis.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize