Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
