omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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