In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
