Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
