a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
