She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
