I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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