Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
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The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
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Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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