wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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