Jerry, you need to find god
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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