just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
