ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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