the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
