Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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