I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
