She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
