I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
