I'm so fucking centered right now
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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