The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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