The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
